Sunday, August 3, 2008

3-tein Dieting

I first encountered the 3-tein while I slaved away researching for some paper in Law School. This power diet proved to supernaturally turn my usually weak attention span into an all day energized research superpower. Typically, I studied and worked in thirty minute segments. Thirty Minutes focused, thirty minutes playing, thirty minutes focused, thirty minutes eating, and so on. To get to the bottom of this new found focus I retraced my steps that morning. I came up with this...The Triple-tein! 1. Caffine, load yourself down with that favorite jitter beverage. 2. Protein, we all know that copious amounts of Whey, Soy, Red Meat and Nuts are what keeps our bulging muscles coming back for more. So, go crazy! Steaks, Cashews, Monster Protein smoothies, whatever gets large amounts of this second tein in your system. 3. Nicotine, yes folks, you thought it was a health hazard, but in fact, according to THIS man (one of our heros) and THIS man (a one time record holder for oldest person in the world) cigs are bueno. Employing these white puffy treats to the diet was the capstone with which the 3-tein was born.

How does this diet translate to climbing? It took me a while to work it out, but I think years of training on the 3-tein has lead me to believe it is the best thing since sliced bread, which coincidentally isn't 3-tein sanctioned.

It started with a trip to Hueco one spring. The trial period proved somewhat successful once I walked up to my supposed project and hiked it!!! Now you know the end let's Tarantino it and go back, let's figure it out.

Coming from Oklahoma, we had driven straight through the night in a horrifying ice storm which means 1) lots of coffee to stay awake and 2) lots of cigarettes to keep our minds preoccupied from sliding off the road resulting in a fiery crash. As the sun started to peek its head from behind us we decided to stop at a roadside diner outside El Paso. I hydrated my quenching muscles with a massive cheese and sausage omelet, hence, the protein. As these three glorious nutrients weaseled their way into my blood stream I suddenly wasn't sleep deprived, I was psyched! You see not everyone I was with combined these three. It's like those eery pre-cog charcters in that Minority Report movie or Captain Planet. When one of the three is absent, the 3-tein is null and void of it's magical powers.

We enter the park, I saddle up to Center El Murray (R.I.P.), I crush, the Legend of the 3-tein is birthed from the boulders of North Mountain.

Fast Forward several years later, the commencment of the greatest and most riduculous Climbing competition debuts at Horseshoe Canyon Ranch in the hills surrounding Jasper Arkansas. 24 Hours of Horseshoe Hell is a test of Brawn, Brains, Sanity, and Stamina, the ultimate proving ground from the 3-tein. My Partner, you know him, you love him, The Wig. He's heard of the theory, he's in on testing it. Here's the break down...

3 Hours till Hell: We enter the Ozark Cafe where coffee flows like wine and we dine on Eggs, Bacon, Cheese, and Butter. Pre and Post Breakfast Smokes. As a side note, we were playing Justin Timberlake and I thought about making the diet the Quad-tein, Nicotine, Caffine, Protein, and Justine, but that didn't quite have as nice a ring to it.

2 Hours till Hell: Pre-comp grocery shopping. Our cart includes 1 6-pack snickers bars, 1 6-pack Chocolate Slim-Fast shakes, and 2 packs of Camel Filters. Rocket Fuel for the body!

1 Hour till Hell: Our sponsor, Red Bull, shows up with hundreds of little silver and blue bullet cans. We pound a few.

Hell begins: We Crush! We Stay up all 24 hours of the comp! We complete 105 routes between the two of us! We drink no less than 12 Red Bulls a piece! We drink all the Slim Fast! We smoke ALL the Camels plus some auxillary cigs from friends! The 3-tein is successful! Our friends concur the diet a key to our success especially since we didn't train a lick for the Hell.

To Conclude, take the 3-tein, enjoy the 3-tein, but only use it for good and not evil.

Happy Dieting,



Brando said...

your trinitarian view of diet intrigues me. it seems that just as the father, son, and holy spirit cannot be separated, caffeine nicotine and protein also must only exist in communion to be effictive as lifegiving stimulant.

Dylan said...

This has been my diet for the last year, I'm glad you guys scribed about it. Cheers!