Monday, June 30, 2008
1. Old Man v. Black Man = Black Man
2. Hawaiian Born v. Panamanian Born = Panamanian Born, Panamanians are skilled fighters based on years of canal defense. Hawaiians are just fat pansies who like to give flowers away.
3. Irish/Scots Ancestry v. Kenyan/Kansasian Ancestry = Irish/Scots, cause we all know that those Red headed, Red blooded, Stout sipping Eire people are gifted with fisticuff talent. However, Africans just kill people when they want, ever see Blood Diamond?
4. Illinois v. Arizona = Illinois, for some reason Illinois seems more thuggish than Arizona. Maybe because our family van once got broken into there or maybe because I have always associated Chicago with Al Capone. Who does Arizona have? Linda Rondstadt
5. P.O.W. v. Low Income Housing Advocate/Attorney = Come on, Six years of torture in a Vietnamese prison versus bad cups of coffee and the occasional homeless guy masturbating outside your office. Winner, P.O.W.
6. Cripple v. Smoker = Gotta go with the Smoker on this one.
7. Democrat v. Republican = Considering most Republicans carry semi-automatic weapons to the grocery store we're going with Republicans.
8. This guy v. This guy. Going with this guy.
9. Married to This v. Married to This = We like This.
Although the results are tight, it seems that Barack Obama has won the P&C Presidential "Who Would Win in a Fight?" endorsement gauge. Therefore, after thoughtful opining sessions and meticulous question asking Pimpin and Crimpin is happy to announce that it officially endorses Barack Obama as its candidate of choice for Master and Commander of the World!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Abs. Everybody wants a ripped six pack, but most of us are working with a singularly bulging keg above our belt. For most of the population defined abs are just another vain ploy to try and get laid. And it's actually a scientifically proven fact that good abs make you more attractive to the opposite sex. But for us climbers, good abs are essential for tickling the harder grades. In case you've been hiding under a rock for the last 15 years, it's well accepted that great core strength is essential for anything but 5.9 slab. I have no no evidence, empirical or other wise for that. All I know is that Christian Griffith has abs to die for. And that mother fucker cranks. He's also probably the god father of the Pimpin and Crimpin movement, even though he doesn't know it. Even if you deny that good abs can help climb better, my justification falls back on the superficial vacuity that defines pnc. Abs make you look good. I want to look good. werd.
So how do you get them? Being a climber without a trust fund, I can't exactly afford to go buy a 2500 Maxicam ab machine. At this point, most of the Boulder crowd is on the edge of their seat, hoping with bated breath and palpitating heart that I will recommend yoga. There is an ineffable, deep seated connection between Boulder and yoga that I will never understand. It is a panacea, a cure all, a snake oil. Whatever you need, whatever ails you, rest assured, yoga will help. From migraines to infertility, there is a yoga pose that will cure you. I've tried yoga. So bite me with your trite and tired “don't knock it till you've tried it” bullshit. Yoga does fulfill requirement numero uno of the Training with Limit imperative-it makes me sore as shit. In fact, it made pretty much every muscle in my body hurt for 10 days. I could barely move. Unfortunately, It fails miserably at imperative Two-Train like a man. It's impossible to be manly while doing yoga. Why? Well, mostly because I said so. But honestly, can you picture John Wayne sniffing his ass as he arches toward nirvana in downward dog? Didn't think so.
The Alternative. Tyrolean traverses. A couple reps across one of these, especially with a heavy pack dangling from your harness and I guarantee your core will be sore. Bonus points if the Tyro is loose and strung with dynamic rope. An added benefit is it works your upper back, biceps, and shoulders. Damn near a total body work out. And if you get really good at it, you might just look as manly as Bronco here.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Matt Samet was kind enough to take time out of his busy day and tell me about being Climbing Magazine's Editor-In-Chief.
Matt Samet: Cool, then let me run to the john real quick and then I'll be back.
Back -- great Success!
Great, so what's your title officially at Climbing?
I was editor for a year and now am editor-in-chief...officially
Well then, that's a sparkly little badge. How long have you been writing for the climbing media?
Let's see, my very first piece was a comp report on the White Rock Meltdown in 1991 -- then in 1996 I moved to Italy and was feeding World Cup and Hot Flashes-type info to the mag all that year. My first substantial piece was prolly a Vantage Point, on getting served in Europe, ca. 1996/1997 or so. I guess it made the editors laugh, and they gave me a column after that. So, let's say 12 years....
Since, you've managed to make yourself one of the most prolific and recognized writers in the climbing media. Of all the shit you've ever written, what was your most favorite piece or rather the article you were most proud of?
Oh, my... You know, it might be one in the last issue of Climbing on the newsstands, a profile piece on Doug Phillips -- an amazing inventor. The piece pushed me to research cam-making and things I didn't know much about otherwise. It was a great experience. The same issue, I did a short thing - 10 Things you didn't know about Hollywood Climbing Movies. Again, tons of research, and days and days of calls and emails just to get 800 words, but I got to hear all these killer stories about the climbers who do stunt work in Hollywood...the best ones, I couldn't print!
Any pieces that weren't quite as rewarding to write?
I don't like some of the more snarky, negative columns I've written over the years. I wouldn't write those things again...
I know you put up a fair number of routes at Rifle. What's the best Rifle story you got? I mean weren't you the one that gave Dumpster BBQ its name? or am i wrong about that?
Yeah, me and Scott Leonard named that one -- he'd bolted it, and let me climb on it. I can't remember if it was him or I that came up with it. Maybe one of the funniest things that ever happened was, we were just this obnoxious crew, even more so on rest days, when we were bored as hell. So one day we took to driving up and down the canyon yelling "Whooooo!" like a bunch of frat boys. My friend Greeno was doing this through the campground out of Jim Surette's truck, and a cop happened to be up there. He wasn't psyched, and he pulled Jim over, and I don't think Jim had insurance -- he got railed.
But I had started it all, with the Whooing that morning, so I remember both of those guys were kind'a choked at me, but they also thought it was funny. So, that's the best story you could print...there are others, not fit for print!
We were so bored out there...it's so boring.
We did that last time I was there with the bag from a box of wine, we just ripped the bag out and started chugging away like it was a blood transfusion bag. We just added to the idea people already had about us Okies.
I hope it was Franzia.
I'm not entirely sure that I remember most of that day so I can't say for sure. So I know most editors (myself included) are terrible jackasses and tend to make jackasses of themselves in print. Any outstanding beefs still out in climbing community?
I don't have beef with anyone, no, but I'm sure there are people who don't like me -- that's life, though. I used to kind of push people's buttons, but I was young and stupid and easily influenced. Now I just want to be left alone, to climb with my fiancee, friends, play Xbox, nap...
What do you think about the ridiculous duffers devoting their time to multimillion post threads on Supertopo about little insignificant rocks?
I like lurking there and watching the arguments/discussions develop -- it can be pretty lively. People like arguing on the Internet -- it's the great equalizer. So rocks are probably as good a thing to argue about as any. I doubt the rocks much care what we're saying, one way or the other.
I suppose you're probably right, the last rock I talked to didn't much care for my wanderings.
Sounds about right -- rocks make good listeners, but they don't talk much. And when they do, it's cuz CHOSS is sliding off and you should GTFO!
I heard Vitamin H (or D?) whichever did that in Rifle some time ago. Told some people to fuck off?
Yeah, the whole right side of the Arsenal kinda gave us the old Amityville Horror "Get Out!" I'm sure the rest of it will fall down at some point. The first 20 feet of Pump-a-rama are hollow and terrifying -- it's the same plaque that cut already.
Here's a question for you -- why do climbers in the blogosphere hate on the mags so much? Not your site, per se, but I've seen it out there.
Because they've never worked in a magazine before and they're jealous of your writing and climbing skillz. They don't understand what work it is and how the system works.
I think there's this misconception of these mags as some monolithic media, but right now, Climbing's editorial staff is two editors working 70-hour weeks, an art director doing the same, a small ad crew busting ass, one webmaster, one half-time employee, two interns...we're really small.
I know right? We had to add a girl to our small crew just so we wouldn't seem like three horny dudes.
We're not Fox News or CNN, which really aren't media...we're just some scrappers trying to put together a mag every four to six weeks.
What top two pieces of advice would you give the climbers of today?
Check your systems and check your knot -- people die doing this sport. It's reality.
Well that's a good one I suppose. You used to do some pretty crazy stuff. I've seen Front Range Freaks what's the draw?
I guess for me, it's always been new routes in whatever style. Since you couldn't bolt up in the Flatirons then, I tried some headpointing and some ground-up scare leads. It was a cool experiment, but purely personal. I think the draw is seeing where your mental boundaries lie while working well within your physical comfort zone -- a unique game. Maybe too calculated, but it teaches you something...
If you weren't working for a climbing mag what would you be doing?
Probably copy-writing, freelance editing, night-stocker at a grocery store--nice and quiet, you get to wear headphones-- or living in a van down by the river.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
When people think of Rifle, they think of what could only be called “A Scene”: shirtless posers, loser spraylords, dumb beta scammers, belay gumbies, non-pimps, overly self-conscious females who annoyingly whisper to each other while sitting on rope bags, dreadlocked trip-hoppers, and the gaper choads of climbing gyms who have everything to prove and nothing to lose by talking as loudly as possible.
Guess what? In this case, people are completely right. (How often does that happen?)
Rifle IS a Scene. It’s fucking annoying. At least to me, a “local,” which is to say that my opinion overrides the opinions of just about everyone reading this.
On weekends, I am forced to park in butt-fuck-istan (aka The Bauhaus) with all the chossers and Mexicans. Then, I have to walk up to 10 minutes just to go wait in line to climb my favorite warm-up, Rehabilitator (5.11c). This is Not Fucking Cool! I hate walking. If I wanted to walk, I would get on a treadmill and drink apricot smoothies and smell my own farts. Rather, I want to fall out of my car into my harness and, in an instant, be pissing all over Your Project (5.easy).
Some say that the climbing in Rifle is pretty fun. These people have never been to France or Mallorca, where there is actual quality stone and beautiful scenery. Those who have been abroad and still think that Rifle is good need to be Danza slapped.
Climbers go to Rifle for the same reason that gay men sign up for priest seminary school: To hate themselves by repressing their most intrinsic nature. Rifle is not a place to Send—it’s a place to suffer, suck and fail. Crushing your psyche into a bitter, vestigial ego totally describes the climbing experience here.
Arguably, the best part of Rifle may be how many climbers with vaginas it attracts. “Females,” as they are otherwise known, may be showing increasing presence throughout the climbing community (especially compared to the 1970s, when you could count the number of Climber Girls on one cloven hoof), but nowhere do you find a higher concentration of Girls Who Crush than at Rifle.
This canyon is a fantastic place to socialize and flirt, and that (not the climbing) is certainly the strongest attraction for many. This is why you rarely see people leading, and more often see gumbies hanging out by their big, stupid camper-cars with annoying little stove-and-cooler set-ups, sniffing each other’s crotches like a pack of wild dogs.
Big fucking deal. Anyone can tighten their harness leg loops to make their baby dicks look bigger, but not everyone can interact with members of the opposite sex. You don’t see many Rifle climbers, say, “rollin’ up on dat shorty and spittin' hot fire.” Instead, Riflers play strange mindfuck games, like they do in sexually repressed Japan, such as projecting an adjacent route to their love interest. This works right up until the Female realizes that she climbs much harder than the Male, whose ego becomes even further crushed because of the gender prejudices concerning athletic performance that still linger among a majority of climber dudes. But again, having your ego crushed is the quintessential Rifle experience, so it’s fine.
The climbing here can best be described as “tricky.” Climbers take months or, not atypically, years before finally reducing a hard climb with enough kneebar trickery and dickhole jessery. In fact, what people “do” in Rifle is barely considered rock climbing in the Eastern bloc of Europe.
So what? This is America, which gives us the freedom to be Louder and Righter than anyone else. It’s the embodiment of this attitude and the freedom to yell “MEX-I-CO!” on the rare occasions I send something that continues to draw me back. Huh? Never mind, robot, and listen to what I say: Rifle is the best summer crag in the United States, and right now its “Scene” is one of the most fun, none-too-serious parties rocking the vertical ghetto.
If you know how to laugh at yourself, and more important, bring extra beer for Me, Rifle can be a pretty good time. I don’t know. There must be some reason that I spend every weekend there. Maybe I just enjoy hating myself. It was either Rifle or priest school.
CAMPING: Campsites are getting fuller and more crowded as the years go on. As a result, more cops come up to patrol on the weekends, which is BAD. Keep a low profile, and don’t do anything stupid. Rules are: no more than two cars and two tents per site.
Rifle is extremely busy and possibly dangerous. There was once a veritable holocaust of two unfortunate victims in a dumpster here. Hungry-looking bears have been spotted in the Wicked Cave. Old, worn draws have been known to slice ropes quicker than bushido blades. Fingers have been lost to desperate clips. Consider not coming to Rifle in the first place. There’s perfectly reasonable climbing in Clear Creek Canyon.
ACCESS: Rifle is open to climbing, but it doesn’t have to be. Keeping this place open means not being a Dumbasss Idiot. And by that, I mean: Don’t belay in the road at the Project wall. Pay the $5 entrance fee (or buy a season pass). Pay for your campsite ($7/night). Don’t park like an autistic loser in illegal spots. Clean up your trash. Don’t shit everywhere. Be friendly. Leave Me alone. And most importantly, keep your dog on a leash. Better yet, don’t bring your dog at all. I assure you that your pet is not as well behaved or cute as you think it is. Rifle’s crag dogs are often annoying and always wet. If this were Mexico, they’d be shot.
PROJECTING ATTITUDE: You’re not special, no one cares about you, and what you are doing is not badass. People climbed all of these routes over a decade ago, before there were gyms to train in. They also didn’t have 15 years of beta refinement from which you now so thoughtlessly rely upon to climb even the most straightforward routes. Leave the attitude at home, in the Front Range, where it belongs.
MUST-DO ROUTES: There’s nothing worth climbing here under 5.13b. Still, some gumbies say they like: Pinch Fest (5.12b), Hand Me the Canteen Boy (5.12d), Cardinal Sin (5.12a), Choss Family (5.11c), Rumor Has It (5.11b) and Do The Mashed Potato (5.7). Other favorites include: Anti-Phil (5.13b), Sprayathon (5.13c), Fluff Boy (5.13c), Pump-o-Rama (5.13a), I’m Not a Philistine (best 5.12c in canyon), Sometimes Always (5.13c), Simply Read (5.13d) and Zulu (5.14a).
Avoid: Cryptic Egyptian (5.13c). It’s a zero-star pile of glued shit.
Check out Dave Pegg’s brand-new guidebook to Rifle (and other Western Slope choss piles), which should be arriving in stores this week. Notable changes to the guidebook include downgrading The Beast to 5.12d and upgrading Roadside Prophet to 5.14a.
REST-DAY ACTIVITIES: Cleaning up trash. Brushing chalk off of my projects. Replacing old, worn draws by contributing your brand new ones.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Lazy Outdoor Enthusiasts Unite! Your portable shelter of preference has arrived. Be introduced to Eldorado Outdoor Products commencement into the world of camping.
I have always dreaded assembling a tent, probably because I'm lazy and I typically arrive at campsites sometime in the wee hours of the morning after driving most the night after a work week. Not only did I dread assembling, but also disassembling. Tents are just a pain in the ass. You have poles, tarps, rain flies and a general mess on your hands. Well, exhale your anticipatory breathes, your savior from the general riff raff, rinky dink, complicated tent situation has landed.
Eldorado Outdoors is offering a very bueno product called the Wind Ridge 3-Second Flash Tent. You've seen gimmick tent products that offer you fast and easy assembly, but they always seem to fail in quality and construction. This Eldo product is Locker, Trucker, Splitter, or whatever other colloquial climber term you would like to input.
The Amenities according to Bronco:
1) Serious Pockets for books, iPods, headlamps, midnight snackies
2) Great Shoe Pocket feature accessible from outside and inside
3) Floor Tarp material attached, so no need for external tarps! Plus, tarp material extends 6 inches up the inside side walls of the tent. Now all those mud/jello wrestling scenarios are possible.
4) Did I mention that you set this tent up in 3 Seconds! Just to clarify.
5) Affordable!!! To sound like an infomercial...Act Now and You save $20 dollars for this One Time, Limited, Promotional Price of $169.99.
No, seriously, this is an affordable product at this price. Obviously, your not getting a go to K2, epic wind, the world is ending but I'm safe in my tent, tent, but you are getting a suitable tent for most seasons that is easy up and down and durable.
Thank God that American convenience living has finally come to the outdoor world with quality! The Eldorado tent is a very worthy product for you to check out on the site that is posted above. Videos, Pictures and more in depth vital info is available for your curious minds. Now, go buy one!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Sorry for the lack of posts this week, I won't bore you with details of how busy we are, or that our pirated internet is down, or that we have been climbing or drinking every night, but I guess I just did. Stay tuned though, good things coming your way soon...
Speaking of photos, check two things for me. Big Andy means big pimpin and crimpin. He just got back from the Valley where he documented two Midwesterners in an attempt to climb Half Dome and the Captain in a day! Scope it here. Okay, that's really just one thing. Enjoy your weekends, we're headed back to Rifle town!
Photo: climbing.com. some dude on some classic rifle choss route
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I start out with a verbal sigh because Eldorado Canyon or Eldo, as its affectionately known, is a major Destination Crag that shouldn't be penned with fleeting thoughts. I will probably fail one hundred percent, but here goes.
The canyon, characters, bolts or lack there of, pins, flakes, towers, and history make Eldo one of the most famous rock climbing areas in the U S of A. This sandstone wonder-canyon can make men cry, women swoon, and send Euros packing. Located just south of the People's Republic of Boulder, Eldo was the forefront of rock climbing for years and has since seen a resurgence in popularity among young, talented, and bold tradsters (aka, Eric Decaria, Matt Segal, Matt Wilder, Justen Sjong, or your basic front range freak). Climbing in Eldo can evoke sappy nostalgic emotions to climbing history buffs. Once the playground of Layton Kor, Larry Dalke, Pat Ament, Jim Ericson, Roger Briggs, and a host of other old school pimpers and crimpers, Eldo is a virtual rock climbing Smithsonian. Utilizing pins pounded into the conglomerate sandstone, the typical rock climber is clipping artifacts from days gone by. Nostalgic, but frightening!
While early generations stuck mostly to the obvious lines on the Redgarden Wall, Bastille, and the Wind tower, latter generations sought out harder lines at Rincon, West Ridge and then attacked the old aid routes as free climbing techniques developed. When sport climbing kicked off in America Eldo proclaimed drilling bolts as an evil act and banned their use in the park. Therefore, the observant Eldoradoer will recognize a lack of sport routes in the 5.13 and harder category. Save of course the classics which slipped in before the ban. Hard classic sport routes such as Rainbow Wall, The Web, and Desdichado do exist, however, Eldo is staunchly traditional and rightly so. The traditional lines that have been established in this canyon are proud. You may recognize a few of these names: The Yellow Spur, Bastille Crack, The Naked Edge, Jules Verne, Doub Griffith, blah blah, the list of classics is endless, well not really endless, but it's really long.
With over 500 routes to her name, Eldo has a little something for everyone. Think you're solid at a certain grade? Step up to the plate in Eldo and then we'll talk. Face climbing with RP's and micro-cams can humiliate and humble the average joe. Oh yeah, don't forget two big brass balls when you rack up, chances are they will come in handy on a large percentage of Eldo routes. Multi-pitch madness, casual cragging, bouldering, it's all wrapped up in a tight little canyon called Eldo, here on the front range.
Down to the nitty gritty. The must do's for Eldo adventure seekers:
The Moderates: Bastille Crack 5.7, Wind Ridge 5.6, Ruper 5.7, Rewritten 5.7, and Reggae 5.7
The Semi-Moderates: Yellow Spur 5.9, Werk Supp 5.9, XM 5.10c, Outer Space 5.10, Rosy Crucifixion 5.10, Grand Giraffe 5.10, Super Slab 5.10c, Over the Hill 5.10, Rincon 5.10, Hand Craker Direct 5.10, and Deviant 5.9+
The More-Serious Moderates: Vertigo 5.11b, The Naked Edge 5.11, C'est Le Vie 5.11b, Jules Verne 5.11, Supremacy Crack 5.11b, Pansee Savauge 5.11b R, Le Boomerang 5.11d, Doub Griffith 5.11c, and the list goes on and on in this category.
The Scary and Hard: Wendego 5.12a, Genesis 5.12+, The Evictor 5.12d R, Scary Canary, 5.12+, Musta been High 5.13+, Iron Monkey 5.14
Photo Credits: aceeldo.org,
Friday, June 13, 2008
Here's what I've got. I went through countless beta changes trying to find the sequence that worked best for me. Since I slightly changed beta almost every outing, I'm throwing out that piece of data. Here's what's left:
- I didn't work that day
- I was wearing a new baddass shirt from Urban Outfitters
- I shaved my balls
So just when I thought I couldn't fit in here (D.C.) any worse...a girl from my building walks on the elevator and scoffs at me in my Chacos and prAna pants and asks "what exactly are you wearing?" Feeling like a total outcast from the "cool girl" crowd I head out to Great Falls park for some memorial day climbing with a couple friends. Of course the good climbing areas are pretty crowded and there just so happens to be a group of guys that I like to call the "gawkers" They stare at you amazed at the sight of a female climber but are afraid to come say anything, then they jump on the hardest climb to try and impress you. So this particular group of "gawkers" keeps on staring at me as if they have never seen a female before, finally one of the brave "gawkers" emerges from the pack....he first apologizes for he and his friends staring at me but that they thought I looked exactly like the climber cutie of the week on a climbing website called pimpin and crimpin. I started laughing and was like well actually I am that girl, congrats on meeting me. They even wanted to get pictures with me thinking I was some pseudo celebrity for having been on the site.
Just when I thought I couldn't be any more of an outcast up here, P&C made me a celebrity for a day. Thanks P&C!
Beka! This is plain awesomeness, I actually stand in awe of it! We pick the Cute Climber of the Week for good reason, you're girls, you're climbers, you're HOT! Obviously, no exception to you. Glad we could bolster your spirits.
Whoever says we're just a bunch of worthless, frustrated, jobless, climbing bums is wrong! We're changing people's lives here at P&C! Congrats on your hotness, Beka—keep up the good work!
Hey P&C crew, something I have noticed is the interesting connection between the climbing community and rap. Gimme some NWA, Snoop, Jay Z any day and I'll eat it up. I just wanted to prod your climbing culture savvy minds to get an answer, whatever it may be, as to why a bunch of predominately uber white climbers choose rap as their genre of choice. When did this connection begin? What does it mean? This may be a self explanatory question.
Johnny boy, may I call you Johnny Boy? Good question my whizzle. Just because white man can't jump, dance, or look cool with a 20lb gold chain swinging from his neck don't mean we can't enjoy us some hip hop. It does seem strange that dirty, skinny, white people in crags all across the world gravitate towards some form of hip hop or rap. We generally don't ball very hard, except in our own little climbing world niche. But hot damn! Hip Hop is just plain awesome! I think it makes us feel like BAMFs. So, live by these words from Ice Cube, the Warlord, "Gangsta rap made me do it..."
Limit: Bronco is right. Rap make you feel like a badass mutherfucker. Twenty five years ago it would have been Big Hair Rock n Roll, now referred to as Mullet Rock which is only listened to by hicks from Tuttle, Oklahoma who live in a trailer park, have dipped since before they could walk, and think that Kiss was the crowning pinnicle of achievment for western music. This is 2008 and cool people listen to rap. We are cool. Or at least we're trying our damnedest.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Here's the biz. We will be giving away some F-Stop goodies to the winner of a little photo contest. Now, the pics that should be submitted are to be taken with a handheld digital camera. You pro photogs just stay away and let the amateurs have a go at this shizzy. Werd? Generally, the pics should be of climbing or climbing lifestyle, you know, no photos of your naked body, unless you are good looking. Contest will begin when this is published and end when I say so, so get your pics to me PRONTO! You know where to send'em, but I will tell you again, firstname.lastname@example.org. DO IT! Oh, peep F-Stop. Here are some examples...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008