Thursday, August 21, 2008

P&C cooking school: staples


Now I realize that Bronco just dropped some serious health knowledge on you all recently with his 3-tein diet plan. While his nutritional knowledge is only rivaled innovators such as Dr. Atkins and Dr. SouthBeachDiet, I feel the need to expand a little on what a daily diet should look like. I just went to the grocery store and picked out a few of the things that have kept me strong and cranking. Feast your eyes (and empty stomachs) on Wig's super secret recipe and grocery list!



Well first I suppose you need to know what to get once you get to the store. Focus on getting the manliest of staples. Bread, cheese, hotdogs, chips and beer. I also got a few extras and by extras I mean two boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (the one and the only blue box). Now as you can see from the photo I bought two different boxes--spirals and white cheddar. The spirals are for me. I think all macaroni tastes better when it's not just simple elbows of pasta. I bought the white cheddar box in case I have a hot date and need to cook something fancy. Since I'm just living on couches at friends houses now I thought this would be safe since everyone has water, milk and butter.

Now, onto the super secret.

STEP ONE: Buy this shit at the grocery store.


As you can see these are a part of the staples I told you to buy earlier. Now I know there are higher priced meats and cheeses out there, this guarantees a svelte figure for an already svelte wallet. These three things cost me $4.50. I sang and air guitared the Free-bird solo for four minutes on the corner and was ready to buy lunch (post on busking to come at later date). Anyway, get these.

STEP TWO: Put this shit together.

We aren't even done and it already looks delicious! This is simple, but I'll spell it out since lately I've been needing to do that. Put a piece of bread down first. Place a hot dog on the piece of bread. Put a slice of cheese on top of the hot dog. Limit will sometimes put the cheese underneath the hot dog but I told him that was unAmerican. He didn't argue with me.

STEP THREE: Put this shit in the microwave, and pull this shit out of the microwave.

Put the medley of deliciousness into the microwave and turn it on for 30 seconds. More and it will be too hot. Less and the hot dog won't be cooked. Trust me because when you pull it out it shouldn't look too much different than it did when you put it in. That's because we are using high quality mass produced consumer goods here. That's how to tell if it's good. Just trust me.

STEP FOUR: Add this other shit to it.


I added chips and beer to the mix. That's because I like chips, and I also like beer. You'll see that there is a PBR on that napkin (also don't buy plates--plates are for weak people). I buy PBR because it's the cheapest six-pack at the store. There was one six-pack that was a dollar cheaper (some Old Mil). I bought it once and drank six of them and wondered why I wasn't yelling for no reason. I looked at the can I was holding and found out it was non-alcoholic beer. I now stick to what I know.


I hope this little lesson in the culinary arts sticks with each and every one of you. I started Bronco on this diet and he top rope his first 5.7+ last week. Just think of the jumps in performance you can make! Next time on P&C cooking school Limit will teach you his famous camping burrito recipe and other time honored Ramen noodle tricks.



10 comments:

AB said...

To quote Samuel L Jackson in "Pulp Fiction," ... "That's some gourmet shit!"

The Lucas said...

Even as a member of Team Vitamin Cottage I fully agree and salivate over your dietary choices. Add the flair of flavor with mustard or vegetables (read Relish?) and you will have Rachel Ray responding to the panty dropper button.

Superhero Complex said...

As an Asian, I'm kind of offended that you spelled "Ramen" incorrectly.

val-o-rie said...

who knew it was that easy! can't wait to try this delicious processed concoction at home.

wig said...

accident. I posted too quickly.

dachoppera said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alex said...

What do they call that in France?

AB said...

HEY, I TRIED MAKING THIS SHIT LAST NIGHT, AND THE SHIT WAS FUCKING GROSS!

YOU AND YOUR PIECE OF SHIT SITE CAN CONSIDER MY MIDDLE FINGER UP IN YOUR FACE!

TRY EATING A DICK, WIG!

wig said...

Ladies and gentleman: Andrew Bisharat, Senior Editor of Rock and Ice magazine, role model, world citizen. but I'd like everyone to take note of his slightly homoerotic overtones. Andrew's been having trouble coping with his gay side and i'm here to let you know it's okay andrew. you come on out of that closet and we'll welcome you with open arms.

sock hands said...

it's my understanding that this is rock and ice's responsive form letter for recipe submissions.

key beta for the inadvertant NA beer purchase is to take the remains over to a friend's house to "hang out." put it in his/her fridge, but always get one of his/her beers when you need a fresh.

it's like money laundering.


or, if you've been found out too many times, just take it to a liquor store and sell it to the kids waiting outside who are trying to get you to buy em beer anyway. then, take their cash and get the goods for yourself.


problem solved.

that's what i do.
i solve problems.