Saturday, March 29, 2008

How to climb 5.12

So you want to climb 5.12. You've heard the average dog in Boulder cranks 5.12 in his sleep. Why are you still puttering around 11a? Follow our definitive guide and you'll be redpointing the super classics like City Slicker.

Stop doing pullups. Lets face it, nobody who climbs 5.12 still thinks pullups are good training. Pullup pansies thrutch their way up 30 foot grid bolted 10+. Doubtless you know some ex-marine who puts in 50 chin ups before breakfast and just redpointed Love Slave. But those people are douchebags. You don't want to be a douchebag do you?

Sell the Audi. People who climb 5.12 are broke. The fact that you are driving a car worth more than my house means one thing--you are spending too much time working and not enough time climbing. The only exception to this rule is if you inherited a trust fund. May your soul rot in an over bolted chipped roadcut in Texas.

GriGris Nobody who uses an ATC/Revoso/Figure 8 climbs 5.12. Don't believe me? Go to Rifle. The Grigri is essential for comfortably belaying your dogging partner. Even more essential for ambidextrously spraying down your struggling partner with key beta. There's only one excuse for not owning one. You are too broke. If that's the case, you took the previous point to the extreme. Medio tutissimus ibis, bitches.

Ipods. 5.12 is hard, which means you are going to need some dirty hip-hop beats to get you amped, psyched, and stoked enough to do it. If you're afraid that Lil' wayne is going to ruin your glorious communion with Gaia, give up mutherfucker. You are gey. You will never climb 5.12.

2 comments:

Cassidy said...

Addendum to How to Climb 5.12

-Eat some meat. So you have seen some videos of anorexic sport pup climbers cranking 5.13 in countries you've never been to. The truth is that the tendons on these level 2 vegan exceptions to the natural food chain are being held together by Metolius climbing tape. These people wince in pain as they high-five their partner after their latest "hard send". If you want to push the ligaments in your arms to their absolute limits you are going to need some protein. So next time you are in the grocery store throw a pack of Oscar-Meyers finest into your basket, and ignore the envious sneers and snickers the aloof Boulderite cashier admonishes you at checkout.

-Drink beer. In the words of the prolific John Sherman, "can you really count a send if you didn't drink the night before?". Besides, nothing is a better excuse for failure on a proj like a healthy hangover. Sure you can climb 5.12 without the burden of borderline alcoholism in your wagon, but who wants to live in a world of perpetual sobriety? Beer serves climbers with the ultimate duality in practical functionality. You can drown the sorrow of your repeated failure to send in a cold pint of over-hopped and under-carbonated Colorado micro-brew, or celebrate in the victory of your awesomeness in a night of binge drinking at the sundowner. And so the cycle begins anew.

-Bow to and respect the light and the power in your fellow climbers. Namaste, bitches.

Cassidy said...

magister mundi sum, bitches
Brian Milhaupt