Friday, March 28, 2008

Tenets of the Peoples Republic of Boulder

This blog you have stumbled upon will not only amuse, disgust and brood emotions that you didn't even know existed, but it will also provide you with a serious insiders look into the front range lifestyle. Seriously. We take ourselves with a certain amount of entitlement out here in Colorado-land. Entitlement to what, you may ask? Well, that is why you should read on. Consider rock climbing in all its forms, Boulder is referred to as the center of the universe for all forms of the discipline. From light weight, cut out your tags in your shirt, Mark Twight dick sucking, alpinist types to bare chested, beanie-wearing, pad toting man-boy boulderers to elitist, gear caressing, "Trad is Rad" bumper sticker supporting, Duct-taped Carhartt wearing traditional climbers to the calorie counting, bolt-clipping, hip-hop mesmerized sport climbing crowd.

Mutual respect abounds though, seems that everyone on the front range (frange) can come to terms with a few things, organic everything, democrats, and subarus. These are the pillars of respect that each climber that lives in and around the front range can accept on common terms and mutuality. You may hear something along these lines, Climber 1, "You want to go climbing Friday afternoon?" Climber 2, "Sure where?" #1, "I was thinking of Eldo, there is this really sick (Boulder vernacular) line there that goes at 11cR, what do you think?" #2, "No, I was thinking about Horsetooth or maybe the 420 boulders, does that sound cool with you?" #1, "YOu bouldering pussy!" #2, "I hate you and your tradwankster ethics, ethics are for easy climbs!" #1, "You idiot. Well, do you want to grab a cup of Ethopian, Organic, Fair Trade, Caffeine-free coffee and an Organic Razzleberry Scone from Vic's?" #2, "Sure, hop in the Subaru. Have you heard about the recent interest rate scandel that George Bush has orchestrated with his band of thugs called the GOP?" And so on, and so on.

So, for those that think they have what it takes to exist in this crazy land of Boulder, take our little quiz to see how boulder you really are.

How often have you thought about your caloric intake in the last week?
A. What the fuck is caloric intake?
B. I document everything I eat on
C. I’m strict, I can’t fit into my lycra properly if I don’t keep it under 1000
D. I’m fat and happy, leave me alone.

If you had to choose one road trip CD, would it be:
A. Jay-Z's Black Album
B. Bob Marley
C. Galactic
D. Any live jam band album
E. Can we smoke pot in the car?
F. Rick Astley

Have you had eaten double quarter-pounder with cheese in the last two weeks?
A. Fast food disgusts me. It is unclean.
B. I actually prefer the BK stackers.
C. I’m vegan, and you’re hateful and cruel.
D. I’ve eaten three today.

What is your dog named after?
A. Peak
B. Retail climbing company/piece of gear
C. Climbing celebrity
D. Climbing move
E. Your mom.
F. His Yorkshire predecessor, Bruno IV

How often do you shop at Whole Foods?
A. Daily
B. I eat their salads because they are yummy in my tummy
C. I eat the WHOLE of any food I eat.
D. What is Whole Foods

What percentage of your diet would you classify as organic?
A. 110%
B. 50%
C. 10%
D. The percent I steal from hippies at the crag

Have you had, do you want, or do you have dreads?
A. Rastafari for life yayo
B. I had dreads in college, I was ugly.
C. I have dreads now. I’m ugly
D. No dreads. Ever. I’m ugly.

How familiar with the Dharma are you?
A. That hot chick from that old sitcom? Wankable!
B. I saw that Chris Rock movie.
C. Very but which Dharma?
D. Hell yeah. It helps me get laid all the time. Dharmeister right here.

Do you aspire to be a master yogi?
A. I watch Rodney Yi. That’s it.
B. I am a master Yogi
C. The bear?
D. To sit atop a mountain spire, performing yoga will make me one with the earth.

Do you drive a Subaru?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. No but I have a Subaru sticker on my Toyota
D. I’d hurt someone for a Subi

How many plants are in your home?
A. The dead one my girlfriend bought me a year ago.
B. Planet Earth is my home I have a multitude of plants
C. 2
D. 0
E. Does growing my own hash count?

How many stickers are on your car?
A. 0-1
B. 2-4
C. 5-10
D. I can’t see out my back window

How many of those stickers are political or environmental?
A. 0-1
B. 2-4
C. 5-10
D. Gore4lyfe

How much weed do you smoke?
A. I have a medical license yo.
B. I spend at least 50% of the day baked
C. Once or twice a week
D. Every month or two
E. Marijuana is of the devil

If you had two hours to spend on a warm sunny afternoon, would
A. Boulder at flagstaff
B. Rope up in boulder canyon
C. Go to the spot
D. Get drunk and tube boulder creek

Have you ever gone shirtless but still worn a beanie?
A. Yes. Regretfully.
B. No.
C. I can’t take it off! My hair flips out perfectly in a beanie!
D. I don’t own shirts. Just beanies

Were born and raised in Boulder?
A. Yes
B. No, I’m a transplant moved here after college/high school/divorce
C. I live in a box on Pearl Street, I don’t know where I came from, too much acid
D. Well, Gunbarrel. Does that count?
E. No. Never.

Which of the following (and how many) do you currently own?
Carbon frame road bike:
Climbing rack:
Trekking poles:
Bonus points if they are permanently accessible from your vehicle

Do you own a cruiser/townie
A. Yes
B. No. I drive my truck across the street if its more than one lane wide.
C. No. I ride a fixy.
D. They didn’t build roads for bikes.
Bonus points if its vintage and has a hand woven wicker basket on the front

How often do attend a yoga class?
A. Once a week
B. Twice a week
C. Only when I find out the girl I like is in a yoga class
D. Fuck yoga.

How do you journal?
A. My environmental blog
B. With a very cool journal from B&N in a very public coffee shop
C. Alone, crying, with my blood as ink
D. Huh?

How often do you soul search?
A. Every day I see a Hummer on the road.
B. Every day I get a hummer on the road.
C. When the pipe gets to me
D. I have no soul. I’m from Boulder.
Bonus if its assisted by acid or mescal

Want to go to Nepal?
A. I’ve been three times to help improve the lives of Sherpas
B. Never.
C. I want to go real bad.
D. I have been to Everest Base Camp twice with Summit Adventure Company

Do you have at least one anti-republican or Ralph Nader sticker?
A. Ha Republicans such sad little people.
B. Yes that’s all of my stickers plus one Patagonia sticker
C. I’m a socialist. I’ll admit it.
D. Fuck anyone left of center, and most of the people right of far right.

Have you ever bought non fair trade coffee at Starbucks
A. I don’t drink coffee. It’s impure
B. Yeah if it’s all I have to drink
C. Help others in everything you do. I shun Starbucks.
D. I drink the coffee I get for less than 50 cents.

Does meat make you nauseated?
A. Only when I eat too much of it, which is like 3 pounds.
B. Nah never.
C. Yes, that poor thing had a face before you killed it!
D. Not fish. Everything else is icky.

Do you smoke ciggs?
A. A pack or two a day
B. Yes but only rollies
C. Only on holidays (beer drinkin days)
D. Smoking is still legal?!

Which extended vacation best suits you?
A. Living in the back of my truck/car eating Raman mixed with whatever I have on hand. Rock climbing
B. Beach. Yoga. Hot stone massage. Spas. Oh the life.
C. Rainier bitches.
D. I live in Boulder why would I ever need to go anywhere else

Are you overeducated and underemployed?
A. No.
B. Totally, my philosophy degree should be paying me much more by now.
C. Yes.

Have you ever streaked Pearl Street?
A. No
B. I wish.
C. I had sex in a stairwell. That’s as close as I’ve got.
D. Yes.

Were you jealous when your friends did and you stayed behind?
A. No.
B. Yes. I’m a big baby.
C. Yes. I’m embarrassed of my pee pee.
D. I streaked it. No jealousy.

Do you eat at Hapa at least once a week?
A. Ugh. No.
B. Nah I’m too busy drinking at the downer.
C. I don’t like sushi.
D. Every other day I eat there.

Have you ever marched for peace, stood in a picket line, or stood on the corner with a humanitarian sign?
A. I am right now.
B. Only when they brought free coffee and donuts.
C. I met my girlfriend at a picket line it’s what we do for fun. She has hairy armpits.
D. No. I don’t believe in peace.

Coffee, tecino, or matte?
A. Coffee
B. Tecino.
C. Matte
D. Beer..

Would you describe your granola consumption in an average week in ounces, pounds or kilos?
A. Ounces
B. Pounds
C. Kilos
D. Go fuck ya’self

Do say ciao in casual conversation?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Yes but I’m from a place that speaks that language
D. I’m from Boulder of course I do.

How many pairs of Birkenstocks have you worn through?
A. I own the same pair had em resoled 10 times
B. I own one pair. I never wore through them because I never wore them they are gey.
C. I buy a new pair each time I have 15 pairs.
D. Never bought them. Never will.

Birkenstocks, Chacos, flip flops, or garden clogs?
A. Birks
B. Chacos
C. Flip-flops
D. Garden clogs
E. WTF none.

How many articles of Golite clothing or accessories do you own?
A. What’s Golite?
B. The diarrhea stuff? Oh that’s golightly
C. Everything I love that stuff. It’s so…light!
D. The one free thing I got at a slideshow giveaway at Backwoods.

How early did you show up to the Prana retail store grand opening?
A. Camped out the night before. .
B. Woke up early had to beat the rush.
C. I just came when I work up. No rush.
D. I’ll go some other time. It’s not going anywhere.
E. I work there.

List as many NPR programs as you can:

How long has it been since the alcoholic content of your beer has been less than 5%?
A. College
B. Last week. The liquor store was closed!
C. Now.
D. Never.

bonus if you're wondering weather I meant % by weight or % by volume
Extra bonus points of you knew what I meant and shotgunned it
Extra Extra bonus points if you don’t give a shit and it was a Budweiser

List as many Colorado micro brews as you can:

Do you have any tattoos in languages you don’t speak?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. I don’t have any tattoos.
D. It’s in Hebrew/Greek/Latin so it’s okay. At least it’s not in some Asian language…

1 comment:

willhike4food said...

Great blog, did I mention my sister gets sick to her stomach when she goes to Boulder? Of course, we were raised by a Republican Okie.