Anatomy of a Failure.

According to me, slab climbing means that my toes get pumped before my forearms. According to Rifle climbers, slab means that one's feet are never above ones head. According to Rifle locals, Beer Run is a slab route. To me, It's steep as shit-it overhangs probably 20 feet in 100. Regardless, Beer Run is a beautiful explosive confluence of crimpy, slopey, pumpy, hightstepping, flagging, backstepping circus trick awesomeness.

Beer Run is rated 13a, which means it will probably take me in the neighborhood of 15 solid tries, lots of soul searching, the perfect playlist and temps less than 75 degrees, humidity less than 12%, a rising barometric pressure of 34mm of mercury, and a perfect alignment of the stars. I have been on beer run MAYBE 4 solid times. I tried it last weekend at 95 degrees, 85% humidity, with a dropping barometric pressure and underneath stars that we about as out of alignment as a redneck's teeth. Basically, I had a better chance of getting rich in Vegas than of sending.

My thoughts:

Lacing up my shoes:
I'm awesome. I'm going to piss all over this route. Literally. I'll hang out in the crux, whip it out and bleed the lizard. That's how impervious I am to getting pumped. The cares of lactic acid are for Whole Foods eating douchbags, not me!!

Tying in: I am a baddass. Fuck humidity. Barometric what??

Bolt one: I'm smooth, I'm in control, I'm sending.

Bolt three: What the fuck is this sensation in my forearms???? Whatever. I am the shit!

Bolt four: Fuck the pump! I'm Awesome! I can crimp on a credit card!

Bolt five: (the bolt is at my knees) Why the fuck is the rope behind my leg? Why is this extdendo draw wrapping itself around my toes? Am I in a spiderweb?

“TAKE! TAKE! FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, ZEUS AND ALL THAT HAS EVER BEEN HELD HOLY, TAKE GOD DAMN IT!”

McDonald's did this to me! I'm eating organic food from now on.

Hanging on bolt Five: I am a pussy. Why didn't I crimp harder?!? I wasn't even pumped. I'm a douchestick.

At the bar, four hours and six beers later: I could send beer run right now! Why did I think those holds we slick? They really have pretty good texture. Next time, I'll just put foot next to my ear, drop knee like I'm French, lock off on that sloper that's shiny enough to put on eyeshadow in front off, figure four off that mono pocket, and employ the dark arts to magically Zen myself to the chains!

I am awesome!