Rifle Officially Declared a Chosspile by FEMA

Last week, the popular climbing area of Rifle Colorado was declared a Chosspile by FEMA director David Paulison. In a sweeping decision that will affect hundreds of climbers this weekend, Paulison declared the crag unfit for human crimping. Although the crag has been in use by the sport climbing subculture for over 20 years, sharp increases in popularity finally brought the crag onto FEMA radar. “We had heard reports expressing concern over the unstable nature of Rifle limestone” says Paulison, “but last week digital photos began filtering into our office. We saw how truly Chossy Rifle really was. We had to take action. So we closed the area. We really do care.” FEMA hopes to relocate the displaced Rifle climbers to safer and more aesthetic crags throughout Colorado. Although federal assistance is available, local 5.13 climber Dick Pertman says he's afraid to try other climbing crags because of “aggressive friction, simplistic beta and a lack of kneebars.” Over beers at the Glenwood brewpub, he opined to reporters: “I mean honestly, what the hell am I going to with all these specialized kneepads? I have over $900 worth. Somebody really should pay for this. Where am I supposed to go? Shelf fucking Road? That place is like climbing for retards. Crimp Crimp High Step Crimp. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Without kneebars, I probably can't climb 5.11. I might kill myself. That Paulison Fucker better pay for me to move to Rodellar.”