Monday, July 7, 2008

Climber Dies In Mystery Crash on I-7o

In a tragic accident yesterday, climber Jeffrey Smith was killed in a mysterious crash while traveling on I-70 near Vail pass. The crash proved troubling to authorities because there were no other cars involved and they found zero evidence of drug or alcohol impairment. Officer Simon Gulch says the mystery was finally solved when an eyewitness came forward and described a surprising scenario. Joey Stiffler says he was a few car lengths behind the Subaru when I saw the driver wilding gesticulating. “At first I thought the driver and passenger were in a heated argument. It looked like they were close to fisticuffs. But then I realized he was pantomiming beta for Simply Read. That's when I got really worried because it was obvious he was in The Zone rehearsing the route and was more concerned with his beta than with the road.” Joe says that the victim was two moves away from a vicious kneebar crux when he began honking, trying to break Smith from his daydream. “I could see it all playing out before it actually happened. The poor guy- he had the route so wired. Throwing that kneebar into the steering wheel must have been pure instinct at that point. I don't think he ever realized what happened. He was clipping the anchors when I saw the car burst into flames.”

The parents of the victim have introduced a bill into the state senate which will ban climbers from discussing beta about any route while operating a motor vehicle. Says Jeffrey's parents, “It's a shame that there aren't laws to prevent tragedies like this. I really think that the ban will make the roads safer for all of us.”

2 comments:

chuffer said...

OMFG, Onion humor to the max.

Nicely played.

climbingnarc said...

epic...you guys are funny